Can you
imagine threatening your partner or good friend by counting "One…
Two" if he or she did not do what you wanted?
One of
the big issues in schools today is "bullying." Parents and teachers struggle
daily with how to stop this behavior. Without realizing it, adults teach
bullying behavior to children by modeling it when they use the threat of their
physical size or power to make children do things. When I hear a parent
counting "One… two" at a young child, I always wonder what the child
has been told will happen if the parent gets to three. Is it the threat of a
spanking, being yelled at, time out, abandonment (I'm going without you) or the
withdrawal of love and approval? Whatever the threat may be, I rarely hear
"three." As intended, the threat of what will happen if the parent
gets to three usually compels the child to do whatever it is the parent is
telling the child to do. Parents use threats to get children to cooperate
because that was what adults so often modeled when we were growing up. Most of
us are familiar with the phrase "or else." We did what we were told
out of fear even if we didn't know what the "or else" would be.
While
counting may appear to be a magic form of discipline, there is no magic in
threats. Children know that adults are bigger and more powerful than they are.
They comply in self-defense. If the only way we can get children to do what we
ask is by intimidating them with our greater physical size and power, how will
we get them to do as we ask when we are no longer bigger and stronger? "Ask
the parents of any teenager if counting still works. Not only do threats no
longer work, they've learned to use the same means to make others do what they
want.
Many
parents see a child's uncooperative behavior as a challenge to their authority.
Once we understand that uncooperative behavior is usually caused by a child's
unmet need or an adult's unrealistic expectation, we don't have to take the
behavior so personally. Parents and children often have different needs.
Sometimes our needs or schedules conflict with our children's needs. Children
who are deeply absorbed in play will not want to interrupt their play to go
with us to the bank or the store before it closes. When a parent needs to do
one thing and a child needs to do something else there is a conflict of needs.
This conflict of needs turns into a power struggle when parents use the power
of fear instead of the power of love.
The
bond or connection parents have with their children is their most powerful
parenting "tool." A strong bond is created over time when parents
lovingly and consistently meet a child's early needs. Threats communicate,
"what you think, feel, want or need is not important." Threats undermine
the parent-child bond. When we learn to resolve our "conflicts of
needs" in ways that show children that their needs and feelings matter, we
strengthen the bond and avoid many power struggles. If we want to teach
children to love instead of hate, we must learn to use conflict resolution
skills in our daily interactions with children. Just as children learn bullying
from what adults model, they can learn conflict resolution and problem solving
skills from what we model. When children learn the skills from how we treat them
at home they will bring those skills to their relationships at school.
Very
young children can learn conflict resolution if we model it. An older sibling
can be taught to find another toy to exchange with their younger sibling
instead of just snatching their toy back. When two children want the same toy
at the same time we can help them "problem solve" a solution. When
there is a conflict of needs because the parent wants to do an errand and the
child just wants to stay home and play we can say "let's problem solve to
see if we can find a way for us both to get what we need." Maybe the child
could take the toy in the car or perhaps the errand could wait until tomorrow.
When the parent is ready to leave the playground and the child wants to stay longer
we can suggest a compromise of five more minutes and doing something fun when
we get home. Often it's not that the child doesn't want to leave as much as it
is that she doesn't want the fun to end. When we teach children that everyone's
needs are important by honoring their needs they learn to honor the needs of
others.
There
will be times that we won't have the time or the resources to meet a child's
need. There will be times that even after honoring the child's need; the child
is still unable to cooperate. At those times it is important to communicate
that parents have needs too and even though it makes the child unhappy we do
have to go now and then allow the child to have his feeling about having to
leave. It is never OK to tell a young child that you will leave without them.
Threatening a child with abandonment terrifies a child. When a child has a
tantrum about leaving it may not be about leaving the playground at all.
Leaving may just be the last straw that unleashes the day's accumulation of
little frustrations. The child may just need to cry to empty out the stresses
of the day. A child will be able to move forward much more readily when we can
say "I know you're sad and it's OK to cry" than if we say "Stop
that crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" When the crying is
done the child will usually feel better and be more able to cooperate.
When
children's needs are met and nothing is hurting them they are usually
delightful to be with. Whenever a child responds negatively to a reasonable
request we need to look for the conflicting need.
Once we
know how our needs are in conflict we can try to solve problem. I have learned to say, "When you behave
that way I know something is wrong, because we love each other and people who
love each other don't treat each other this way.